Beauty Queens

Beauty Queens Page 127

Petra put a hand to her heart. “My hero.”

Sinjin kissed Petra’s hands. “Petra, I’ve got me faults. I’m a bit full of m’self and I might steal your clothes on occasion. But I’m loyal and well read and I’ll stand by your side no matter what. Byron’s balls! I’m absolutely barmy for you. Will you have me?”

Petra smirked. “Shut up and kiss me.”

The girls swooned as Petra swept Sinjin up into her arms.

“God, you’re lovely. And quite strong.” Sinjin kissed her hard on the mouth.

“Later. We’ve got to try to upload this video of Ladybird and MoMo,” Mary Lou said.

“Ladybird Hope and The Peacock really did the nasty?” Nicole asked.

“Uh-huh. Don’t remind me. I want to wash my eyeballs. Just … I mean, the hot tub and her crown and the Elvis wig …”

“You are totally scarring me for future sex,” Shanti said.

“She can’t be trusted. She’s in on this.”

“In on it? Little girl, I masterminded it.” Sudden fluorescent light brightened the gloom of the conference room. The flat-screen TV popped on. Ladybird Hope sat behind a replica of the president’s desk in a fake oval office.

“You think she got that from the Delusional Home Furnishings Superstore?” Petra whispered.

“I heard that, Miss Rhode Island,” Ladybird chided.

MoMo pushed Adina and Duff into the room.

“Adina! Duff! Crazy dictator man with gun!” Mary Lou called. “Okay. Roll call of doom all done.”

“Well, hello, MoMo.” Onscreen, Ladybird gave a stiff wave.

“I am here, my flightless fowl.”

“Actually, the ladybird isn’t a bird at all. It’s a type of beetle. A pest,” Shanti said pointedly.

“Speaking of pests, I can’t wait till I can enact some new immigration laws. Hope you have a cute little Hindi handbag to hold your papers, Miss California. I’d hate to think of you being exported to some call center in Mumbai.”

“Deported. People are deported. Products are exported,” Nicole corrected.

“Well, my goodness. Thanks for reminding me to overhaul textbooks during my reign.”

“You’re running for president, not queen.”

Ladybird scratched a file over the end of a less-than-perfect nail. “Actually, I figured out that running for office is a lot like being in a beauty pageant. Look good. Smile and wave. And tell the people only what they want to hear.” She blew away freshly buffed nail fuzz. “Oh, and make sure you wash your hands after applying self-tanner. Otherwise, people might think you’re secretly Mexican.”

“Serape means ‘cape’!” A grinning Agent Jones burst into the room wearing only a fig leaf. He threw his arms into the air and stretched his fingers into peace signs. “We are all beautiful star flowers!”

“What the hell?” Jennifer said.

Ladybird squinted. “Agent Jones?”

“Who is that unfortunate man?” Sinjin asked.

“The Corporation agent who tried to kill us,” Petra explained. Sinjin took in the sight of the man in the fig leaf trying to commune with the ergo chair. He raised an eyebrow.

“He had on more clothes,” Petra said.

Agent Jones put a finger to his mouth. “Agent Jones is gone. I am Man Flower.”

“Agent Jones,” Ladybird barked.

“Man Flower.”

“Agent Jones, I am trying to quiet the hideous screaming I feel inside just looking at you. It’s a shame that after all your years of dutiful service, you will not be able to partake in the pension plan. Not that it matters; we’re cutting that anyway.”

Agent Jones held Sinjin’s face in his hands. “I’m going to make balloon animals. People need balloon animals.”

“How right you are, strange delusional man,” Sinjin said.

MoMo shot at the ceiling and everyone jumped. “Where are my weapons?”

“Just relax, Peacock,” Ladybird snapped. “Are you wearing the special shoes I sent you?”

“Just as you requested, Ladybird.” MoMo hopped onto the conference room table where everyone could have a better view of his platform blue suede shoes. He executed a series of tricky dance steps.

Ladybird’s lips curled in distaste. “Was that necessary, MoMo?”

“Our love brings the dance fever. It is like the King, always and forever.”

“Well, maybe not, MoMo.” Ladybird repositioned a bobby pin and patted the pouf at the back of her head. “See, if I’m gonna be the leader of the free world, I can’t be seen canoodling with the crazy dictator of a country we’re about to go to war with.”